


Say My Name

by lovemelizards (tomfics)



Series: Second Chances [1]
Category: Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
Genre: Angst, Desperation, Emotional Hurt, Introspection, M/M, POV Julian Bashir, Relationship Problems, slight comfort?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-26
Updated: 2021-01-26
Packaged: 2021-03-15 05:34:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,257
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28933350
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tomfics/pseuds/lovemelizards
Summary: Based on 'Say my name' by Bebe Rexha.Julian and Garak's relationship has turned into something Julian no longer recognizes and it is slowly breaking him.
Relationships: Julian Bashir/Elim Garak
Series: Second Chances [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2123883
Comments: 25
Kudos: 40
Collections: Star Trek: Just in Time Fest





	Say My Name

**1**

> _You've been dressing up the truth_
> 
> _I've been dressing up for you_

Julian was used to the way Garak spun lies like a shield. Lies he sometimes yielded like a sword. It didn’t bother him, because it was part of what made him _him_. And he loved the man. But his lies had taken a different tone recently, they were no longer used to intrigue, entertain. They were no longer used because he could. They were being aimed at him; he could sense it. He couldn’t quite put his finger on what or why, he always had difficulty unravelling Garak's lies. But this, this was different, it felt like their relationship had become the lie.

But Julian wasn’t any better, because whenever Garak lied he lied to himself. He made himself believe it, he played his part, the clueless young doctor, because that’s what was expected, what they both wanted to believe.

**2**

> _Then you leave me in this room, this room_
> 
> _Pour a glass and bite my tongue_

Julian looks around their shared quarters, he can remember their happier moments, when they were truly care-free, enraptured by the newness of their relationship, busy discovering each other. He silently curses his eidetic memory, wishing he could desperately forget so he had nothing to compare with.

He grips tightly at the drink in his hand. Garak is sitting on the sofa, quietly reading some new Cardassian epic of his and he sighs. The words want to push out from his mouth, he wants to spill his feelings, confront Garak and ask him why? Why is he doing this? _Why_ are they continuing this farse? But, instead, he bites down on his tongue, stopping himself before he ruins what he doesn’t want to give up. He finishes his drink and decides to submerge himself in research, that will stop his mind… for now.

**3**

> _You say I'm the only one_
> 
> _If it's true, then why you running, you running?_
> 
> _If you're really being honest, if you really want this_
> 
> _Why are you acting like a stranger, what's with your behaviour?_

Now that they were in the middle of a war, now that things were difficult, now that hard truths were out in the open, sometimes he looked at Garak and felt like he didn't know who the man in front of him was. And he wonders if it’s always been this way and now it's become too hard to ignore or if this is a recent turn of events and he just now noticed? He didn't know which concept frightened him the most.

They went by their daily lives, apart even when they were together, the automated motions coded into their daily life like a sick experiment, to see who would crack first, who would give up first. He tried to reach out only to find his hand grasping at nothing, feeling the distance between them grow, making him want to gasp for air — suffocating but far too exposed at the same time. 

The saccharine words whispered into his ears, the empty promises, puncturing like needles, making his own facade threaten to break. He is almost certain he can feel a shield between them, keeping them apart at arm’s length. WHY? He wants to yell. WHY? Why are you leaving me behind, why are you running away from my heart? They could be whole again; he knew they could. While there's life, there's hope, he told himself. But that was hard to believe when with each passing day he saw the glim in their eyes fading, dulling. 

**4**

> _Say my name, say my name_
> 
> _If you love me, let me hear you_
> 
> _Say my name, say my name_
> 
> _I am dying to believe you_
> 
> _I feel alone in your arms_
> 
> _I feel you breaking my heart_

When had they become so good at pretending things were well? When had they become so willing to play to each other so cruelly?

“Doctor,” That word, said by _him,_ now makes him flinch. They were together for so long, when had Elim stopped calling him Julian and gone back to the neutrality of ‘Doctor’? When had he stopped caring?

Strong arms hold him close, and _oh_ , how he likes to imagine the warmth he once felt in them. But it’s cold, like he never felt before. He shivers and presses more tightly to Garak's chest. His own heart breaking, but he can’t stop, _they_ can’t stop pretending. That gentle hand in his hair nothing more than a lie. One of too many.

He can feel Garak's breathing and heartbeat, but it doesn’t reassure him like it once did. All he can feel is a daunting realisation that he has never been more alone than in the arms of the man he loves. Loved, because he doesn't know the man in his arms anymore and he doesn't know if they have anything left to salvage. 

**5**

> _I got darkness in my head_
> 
> _Don't believe a word you said_
> 
> _Still, I let you in my bed, my bed_
> 
> _Got too many different sides_
> 
> _Got dishonour in your eyes_
> 
> _Something has to change tonight, tonight, tonight_

They touch each other with heat, heat of unsaid words, of unsaid feelings, of desperation. Kisses swallowing words. Bites erasing pain. More, more, don’t stop, because once it does, everything will be only but a shell again. Their touch is more truthful than any words they have said to each other in the past few months. They don’t speak, bicker, play. They are silent and their words are their hands, lips and body. For a flitting moment, it feels right.

Instead of cuddling, Julian gets up to go to the bathroom. He sees his reflexion and pushes a smile to his face. Yes, he’s become quite the actor, but not good enough to convince himself anymore. The smile never reaches his eyes, and he is too tired to try. Garak must know, he always knows.

His grip tightens at the edge of the sink. This is enough, something has to change tonight. If not, he will go crazy. And when he turns to go back to their room, words ready to spill, he reassures himself that whatever happens it will be for the best, for the both of them.

He marches back, determination in his gaze. He finds Garak up, already getting dressed, but he stops, looking at him, eyes alert and tunic forgotten in his hand. Julian grabs the tunic and throws it to the side, anger bubbling. Anger at Garak for distancing himself; anger at himself for allowing it. He grips the Cardassian’s shoulders with all his strength, pulling him to look straight at him for once, inches apart. Willing the truth in his eyes to come through before he lets out all that has been bottled up on the back of his throat. When he finishes his rambling, his eyes have turned from pure heat to something akin to begging; begging for what he doesn’t know. But he hopes his lover will be merciful. His heart can’t take it any longer.

“Julian…”

Julian releases the breath he’d been holding at the sound of his name, his eyes widening, and he lifts his eyes up searching and finding something in those blue eyes that gives him hope. A soft sob escapes his lips as he lets himself fall into Elim's arms. He knew they would never be the same, that they were changed men, but it was a start. Maybe, there was still time for them. 

**Author's Note:**

> Blame the writers of the song 'say my name' for this angsty piece. Also, yes, I broke my own heart writing this. 
> 
> If anyone want’s Garak’s POV, let me know. There’s always two sides to a story. EDIT: Garak’s POV posted in part 2. 
> 
> Tumblr [Lovemelizards](https://lovemelizards.tumblr.com)
> 
> Thoughts and kudos appreciated <3


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